I've filled in my answers to the post, I hope you enjoy!
Ps - LJ took two steps on his own today for the first time. Better write it down!
1.) THE FIRST TIME YOU TURNED YOUR BACK FOR ONE F*%KING SECOND AND YOUR CHILD ROLLED OFF THE BED OR SOFA OR CHANGING TABLE.
- touch wood - this has not happened to me. Maybe this is because I'm a really cautious mum... Or maybe it's because I don't trust the baby who was lifting his head up from birth to not pounce the minute he's left for 2 seconds.
We did however experience our first 'I wasn't looking for 2 seconds' moment the other week. LJ's new thing is pulling himself up and climbing on all sorts. So we have a little ikea stool in the kitchen that we use to sit on while we feed LJ in his highchair and it's pretty lightweight. Well, LJ was potting around on the kitchen floor and he pulls himself up on the stool, just as daddy decided to turn to have a drink and mummy decided to turn to pick something off the floor. LJ decides this moment in time is a good time to discover he would hold the cushion from the stool up in the air and then proceed to fall down on the floor as he realised he was standing unsupported. Bump on the head and guilty parents.
Of course he climbed right back up there...
2.) THE FIRST TIME YOU TRIED CUTTING YOUR CHILD'S NAILS AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY CLIPPED THE SKIN AND SHE BLED A LITTLE.
As if you don't cry enough as a new mum and feel guilty about everything, you then go and snip your new baby's skin while trying to cut their wolverine claws.
I reckon LJ was about 8 weeks old? Who knows, I've tried to block the whole experience out of my head.
He cried. I cried. I promised never to cut his nails again and I've dealt with a scratching wolverine baby since.
3.) THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE HOLDING HIM UP IN THE AIR AND HE THREW UP ONTO YOUR FACE.
I'm laughing already thinking about this one.
Lucky for us, LJ was never a sicky baby. We didn't have puke moments. In fact one of the first times he was sick was when we thought we'd won the introducing a bottle of formula battle and then realised we didn't own enough spare bedding and pjs. Projectile.
What I do remember is when daddy decided to do some row row row the boat on his chest in bed after LJ had been snacking on boobie all morning. Milk overboard. You can't squish a full baby like that. I didn't know whether to collapse laughing, get the baby wipes or take a photo.
4.) THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW ANOTHER KID YOUR CHILD'S AGE WHO WAS MORE ADVANCED THAN YOUR CHILD.
Now it may just be a mothers love but I've always been very impressed with how quickly LJ has learnt things and done all his baby milestones. I wouldn't say I'd experienced the above much in the first months of LJ's life. I did however get chatting to another mum round the bongo drum at a baby group (where LJ was circling and desperately trying to push off another baby's hands) and I assumed they were of similar age. So you always ask the age old 'how old is your baby?' Question and this mum replied with 8 months today. 8 months today? LJ was 9 and a half months. Ok, your baby is impressive!
5.) YOUR FIRST TERRIBLE SHIT STORY.
I think LJ was 3 weeks old? I know Ali had gone back to work because I sent him a picture! (Don't panic, I'm not going to share said picture)
We had a vibrating bouncer chair when LJ was a newborn and we soon found out that this got things moving! I thought I was coping pretty well on my own at home, I had the baby in the bouncer and I was getting ready for the day. I then went to pick up my lovely newborn and discovered my first nappy explosion.
Out his nappy. Out his clothes. In the bouncer. Yellow. Grainy. Runny.
6.) THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW GAVE YOU UNSOLICITED ADVICE ON HOW TO RAISE YOUR KID.
I don't remember the first time but I know it's always the old ladies at the bus stop that feel the need to say something.
When LJ was 7 months I was told he looked far to young to be eating a corn puff. I just have a petite baby, thanks.
When he was 8 months old, a lady told me not to let him touch the bars on the bus. Que me battling with a wriggly baby all journey to make sure he didn't touch the bus bar.
7.) THE FIRST TIME YOUR CHILD HAD A MELTDOWN IN A PUBLIC PLACE.
About 5 days old?
The best bit about this story is it wasn't with me. We ventured out to do a food shop (5 days post baby, I was expecting too much) and we made it through the shop without any hiccups. I decided to pop to the ladies before we left and off I went with the change bag (with my stuff inside) and left daddy with a sleeping baby outside. I came out and felt like everyone was staring at me. I get back to Ali and he gives me the stare, the 'what took you so long, didn't you HEAR him?' ... Hear who? Our baby? Our sleeping peacefully not making a peep baby?
Apparently he screamed the place down for 5 minutes and I'd got the dummy and muslin with me.
8.) THE FIRST TIME YOU FORGOT TO LOCK THE WHEELS ON YOUR STROLLER.
This one has yet to be filled in. I experience more of the 'I forgot to unlock the wheels' and do the awkward nearly fall over my pram push off.
9.) THE FIRST TIME HE REPEATED SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T WANT HIM TO REPEAT.
One we have to look forward too.
10.) THE FIRST TIME YOU COULDN'T REMEMBER YOUR CHILD'S BIRTH IN ENOUGH DETAIL AND WERE WILLING TO CONSIDER HAVING A SECOND CHILD.
So a little fact for those who haven't had a baby before. Firstly, it hurts. Secondly, your midwife gives you the 'conception talk' 10 days post baby. Yep, 10 days after you just pushed a 8lb 3oz baby out, the midwife lectures you on not getting pregnant again so quickly.
If that's not conception for you, I don't know what is. So you shake your head in distress at the thought and swear your never having a baby again.
Fast forward to 6 months later and your slowly forgetting what contractions feel like and the recovery period for stitches and you see a newborn baby and think 'aw, I'd love to have another baby'.
I'm having a flashback.
Maybe I'll wait a few more years.